How men can survive the 'Euro Crises'
'As the European Championships kick off, the real games will be those that will be played at home, over issues like 'remote control'
Before you frantically begin to check your accounts, let me assure you that this is not a crisis of the financial variety. It is a danger which lurks in the arena of human relationships; most specifically with those enjoyed with your better halves-to employ a footballing analogy.
Seven year itches are now passe'; true love these days is tested every time there is an international soccer tournament, with late night telecasts. Needless to say, the European Nations Cup (sometimes colloquially referred to as 'The Euros'), a month long trial of your relationship.
In a festival where lots of kicking is on the cards, your goal should be to ensure that it is not you who gets the boot. And there seems to be no help at hand. Even those who came back, with the commandments and such, did so much before televised sporting events had begun.
Leisurely jogging into June sans a plan? You have as much chance, as a hapless goalkeeper against a Miroslav Klose header. But fear not my fellow men; here are some ideas which might ensure you don't see red.
The insidious conversion
There's lot to be learnt from the subtle strategies employed by religions. Ensuring the right symbols, rituals and stimuli are always in her vicinity will work wonders.
Begin with buying her a red Spain jersey. Then fondly add that it is only because it matches with her hot red dress, shoes, cell phone and other matters of red that are best kept between the both of you. Women are known to go to extraordinary lengths of conversion in 'matching matters'; and it is possible that she turns into a frenzied Spanish supporter during the European Cup... tough luck if you aren't one yourself.
Perhaps you could call in the help of your cell phone as well. Add famous commentary clips or footballing anthems to your ringtone, so that the seeding starts to begin at a subconscious level. Have posters of star players 'carelessly' lying around. Keep a ball in the living room. Always have reruns of classic matches running on the DVD, and pause 'erroneously' on that while flipping channels.
The IPL has shown over the last few years, that if you just make something ubiquitous, it seems all the more alluring. You don't quite have their budgets but you get the gist.
The six appeal ruse
'The six pack' stomach bypasses rational arguments, with almost caustic disdain. You know this well because of the planet sized sphere lurking beneath your chest. But now it's time to exploit that shortcoming.
Tell her that football has millions of women glued, because players exchange shirts after games. Show her a few sample photographs of well chosen specimens like Cristiano Ronaldo, Paolo Maldini or David Beckham. Perhaps even Wayne Rooney, if she has always been the kinky sort.
The fact that other women are also onto this peep show, makes this a rather competitive pursuit. So don't be surprised, if she is the only one watching those late night matches, fervently till the very end.
The mother-in-law maneuver
Sometimes you simply need to bow to the higher powers. Sure, your mother-in-law has never quite liked you taking her princess away. Maybe her chasing you with a knife last summer was all in good spirit, but here's where you need to bury the hatchet.
Suggest that she invite her mother over. Convince her that you want both of them to spend some quality time together, to nurture those umbilical bonds. Promise her that this will be a regular practice from now on (four years later being regular enough). She will coo, 'One month? What will you do honey?' At which point you will look down at your feet, shuffle along and murmur, 'What's that in comparison to the years she has given you?'
Warning: - Please guard against the idiotic smirk which is bound to erupt at this moment. Failure to do so can result in prolonged hospital stay
The 'trauma' aftermath
If you haven't ever used this one before, then you are one lucky dog. Consider it as a 'bramha astra' equivalent, only to be reserved in matters of extreme importance, when all other plans fail.
The ladies are, by the proverbial mile, the more benevolent of the species and a woman, when she senses her man in emotional quandary, is willing to concede even her next hair dressers appointment.
First arrange the trauma event to be completely within your skill set. So if you are planning a 'drowning charade', avoid using the beach. Those lifeguards have their minds elsewhere, especially after watching multiple reruns of Baywatch. Use the controlled environment of your bathroom to drown in the tub.
After she rescues you, move listlessly along for a few days, only unleashing some enthusiasm when she sees you watching the matches. Like a well knit football team, the logical connections will be made in her mind, and you have weeks ahead of uninterrupted bliss. The mind truly is a wonderful thing that way.
In conclusion, a landmark event will be kicking off in France this June. But the real games will be those that will be played at home, over issues like 'remote control'. Men have long ended up being second best in these contests; perhaps it is time to turn the tide...